journal - 18 may
i have given up trying to keep track of which day of the journal this is - i can't do the maths - so i will date them now. this is a new method of writing my journal. i've switched off the little google notifiers that tell you if you have new e-mails and i'm writing this in a note thingy that i can cut and paste from. so i should get less distracted. if i could write properly with a pen i would do that but i can hardly write at all these days - i never did like it much but as i have got out of practice it makes my hand hurt.
i am sitting here on the sofa with the whole family; my husband watching footie with the headphones on, my son watching without sound, the dogs snuggled up with us. there is something ancient and primeval about having a dog sleeping with his head on your lap. what with my dog's head and the laptop i am nice and warm.
i have a lot to think about after my session with my psychotherapist today. there is the whole thing of why i am so busy and buzzy all the time. i have been aware that it is to stop me thinking but i always looked at this in too simplistic a way. i thought it was about trying to stop my conscious mind dwelling on things that worried me, whether in today's world or from the past. but it is more complex. i was describing my head like a computer; the hard drive containing the memories and the ram being the thinking conscious bit. so i was thinking that if i were to stop 'doing' the memories would seep into the ram bit and be a bit disconcerting. but there is more to it than that.
when i am anxious for my son about things i think might hurt him, i am not able to be a proper adult in relating to him . there is still inside me the child who didn't have recognition for her own pain and fear. so my feelings about my son are all tied up with that. i can't separate how i felt from the way things are for him. today we talked about how important it is to look after the child inside; how unless i can find a way through the fear and anxiety of the past it will continue to influence the present. i need to re-examine the past from the point of view of an adult. i am going to do this a bit at a time. a lot of what i have written before will help me to make a start.
i am sitting here on the sofa with the whole family; my husband watching footie with the headphones on, my son watching without sound, the dogs snuggled up with us. there is something ancient and primeval about having a dog sleeping with his head on your lap. what with my dog's head and the laptop i am nice and warm.
i have a lot to think about after my session with my psychotherapist today. there is the whole thing of why i am so busy and buzzy all the time. i have been aware that it is to stop me thinking but i always looked at this in too simplistic a way. i thought it was about trying to stop my conscious mind dwelling on things that worried me, whether in today's world or from the past. but it is more complex. i was describing my head like a computer; the hard drive containing the memories and the ram being the thinking conscious bit. so i was thinking that if i were to stop 'doing' the memories would seep into the ram bit and be a bit disconcerting. but there is more to it than that.
when i am anxious for my son about things i think might hurt him, i am not able to be a proper adult in relating to him . there is still inside me the child who didn't have recognition for her own pain and fear. so my feelings about my son are all tied up with that. i can't separate how i felt from the way things are for him. today we talked about how important it is to look after the child inside; how unless i can find a way through the fear and anxiety of the past it will continue to influence the present. i need to re-examine the past from the point of view of an adult. i am going to do this a bit at a time. a lot of what i have written before will help me to make a start.
posted by mafalda's daughter at 6:00 am
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