birthdays

yesterday we had a birthday party. my husband and i are both april birthdays so we thought we would have a joint one. we shared it with two friends who are also april babes; one of them is autistic and has never had a party because she never had enough friends to invite, the other hasn't celebrated her birthday since her twin sister died 5 years ago.

it was the usual hectic day when you have a party, rushing about tidying and cooking. getting ready was fun. my friend painted my toenails, and her boyfriend put hairgel in my hair. my husband put my jewellery on for me. i felt like a princess with all the attention.

my dear friend jo made a cake. it was huge and beautiful and had all our names on it in icing. we all blew out the candles and everyone sang happy birthday. as i blew them out it struck me that the last time i had blown out candles on a birthday cake was when i was a child. it is not that i haven't celebrated birthdays, just that i have not had a cake.

my mum made me a chocolate cake on the last birthday i was with her. i had some friends round for tea. when my mum brought out the cake i blew out the candles. my mum went to get a knife but i dug in with my fingers and all my friends followed suit. i didn't think until it was too late but the lovely cake was a mess and my mum looked really disappointed. for many years chocolate cake made me cry.

when i lived with my dad and my stepmum i missed my mum particularly hard on birthdays. my stepmum understood this. one year, late at night on the day before my birthday she came in when i was lying awake and gave me two bottles of perfume as a present. she sat with me a while and we felt very close. we didn't always get on too well so this was really special.

yesterday felt like quite a milestone for all of us birthday people. it struck me that being able to celebrate your birthday is a big part of being comfortable in your skin and accepting yourself. i am lucky to have such good friends and such a brilliant family.