motel

something that my childhood has left me with is the desire to make everything ok for people. when i can't it really distresses me. i think i am a sort of compulsive rescuer. i think the root of this is from feeling like i had to look after my parents. neither of them behaved like a grown up. i remember a general feeling of anxiety a lot of the time.

i was particularly anxious when i went on access visits to my mum. things were not always cosy and comfy where she lived; she was very broke and lived in a variety of bedsits and hostels. they tended to have shared bathrooms which weren't all that nice.

on one access visit my mum took me to a motel. this was unusual both because she had so little money and because she did not have a car. the motel was in ascot which is a very posh area. we got the train there and walked from the station. because it was a motel the designers had not allowed for people arriving on foot. we walked up the drive through thick rhododendrons. we had to walk in the road as there was no pavement. my mum got the keys and we went to the chalet where we were going to stay. it had its own little bathroom and was really nice.

during the afternoon my mum drew the curtains. it was still light. as it got dark i went to put the light on so i could read. my mum said we shouldn't. "if we put the light on people going past might think we are having a party and try to get in" she said.

at the time this struck me as strange but i had never been to a motel before. i did not know what to expect. every time cars went past and the lights rolled across the wall my mum would look scared. i put my arms round her and comforted her. i told her if anyone tried to get in i would fight them. we sat in the dark all evening. it seemed a really long evening and we went to bed early. the next day we left without breakfast.

looking back i think my mum might have been ill. more likely was that she was being pursued by her current boyfriend. her boyfriends were difficult characters and often they were violent.
i would have been about 11 when this happened. to this day i cannot bear seeing daylight through curtains in the early evening. i leave it until it is really dark to pull them closed.